So You're Going To Hogwarts
by DracoSeven
Summary: If you find these things happening in your story do a re-write.


Jenny Foxworth sauntered off the scarlet train and onto the platform at Hogsmeade.

Jenny Foxworth was as about American as you could get. She looked confidently around the platform and then up at the castle.

"I'll show these stuffy Brits a thing or two," she said with a glint in her eye.

The first person she ran into of course was Hagrid.

He gasped upon seeing her. "Merlin's Beard, not another exchange student!" he shouted.

She smiled condescendingly.

"Blimey, another special sortin'. Come this way," he muttered.

888

The Golden Trio all missed the train and met in the Great Hall.

Ron and Harry had become taller and more muscular just from sitting on brooms, as had Draco Malfoy.

Hermione had changed over the summer. Sitting around reading had magically given her curves. Her Hogwarts uniform was like any other except it was made from black leather. Her hair was black and straight and she wore black makeup. She'd even forsaken her plain white cotton underclothes for much more comfortable black leather ones.

"Hermione's gone Goth," Harry mumbled. Ron stood there nodding agreement with his mouth hanging open.

"I have not," Hermione hissed as she shed her clothes. "I was invited to a last minute Muggle costume party and that was the only outfit available," she said as-a-matter-of-factly, standing there in a snug red tank top and a pair of skin tight, low-slung, cheap, stretchy jeans.

She bent over to pick up the Goth costume and wig. Everyone was watching and waiting. Her jeans didn't burst but her bag did, sending books and potions bottles all over. There were ooohs and ahhhs and gasps.

There was no nice way to say it. Hermione had gotten herself a really big butt, toned and shapely yes, but seriously big. She peered down at her enhanced décolletage and ran her hands around her small waist uncomfortably. A vividly violet vile vial violently rolled to a stop at Harry's feet. He picked up the hourglass shaped container.

"Babe in a Bottle?" Harry squinted at the label.

Hermione put her feet together and looked down. "That's right, Babe in a Bottle. I've been brewing it all summer hoping to improve my looks. I was trying to get noticed."

"You've succeeded!" said a boy enthusiastically.

"So that's what puts the Her in Hermione, yow!" Seamus yelped.

"You're the best at potions, what went wrong?" Ron said gaping at her.

"Nothing," she said, raising her eyebrows and patting her more than full hips. "The potion worked perfectly. The problem is my real curves really did grow in on top of the ones I'd already made. I never would have guessed," she frowned, then shrugged.

"Then why the tight clothes?" Ron leered as he continued to eye her.

"Ronnnn," she said, canting her head and speaking through clenched teeth, "Parvati and Lavender gave me a makeover and this was all they could find that I could get into," she said in an angry sing-song voice.

"Why didn't you just use ma--"

"Because spandex holds up better than magic and I had to have my school uniforms custom made and they aren't ready yet," she growled.

Draco Malfoy picked up a book. "You're supposed to do more than just read these fitness books, Granger!" He sneered while admiring her very un-Hermione heinie.

"Blowhardium Hiddee-ousah!" Hermione shouted.

Nothing happened.

"What's that then?" asked Ron, mystified.

"It's the Old School Ugly American Curse," Hermione said smugly.

"You can't get away with this, I'll fix you good, see," Draco said in a thick lowbrow accent. He fumbled for his spell book frantically scanning page after page to no avail. Draco ran his fingers through his hair slowly, staring in disbelief. "I can't read this here spellbook no more. An' I can't pronounce it right if'n I could," Draco drawled, really drawled. "Suddenly I want to go to a bar in Lye-sesster Square and demand Budweiser," he moaned.

Crabbe and Goyle cringed in distaste and stepped away from Malfoy. Draco walked off towards Slytherin House looking down his nose at everybody from the Old World. Not that anyone noticed the difference.

888

Randy Summers stepped into the Great Hall. Randy was nearly seven feet tall and was captain of his high school football team. He had tons of girlfriends and everyone thought he was great.

"Whaddayamean there ain't no pork chops ya little green runt. Go find some," Randy roared at Dobby. Dobby bowed and disappeared into the kitchen.

Hermione rushed over. "Don't you dare treat Dobby like that," she said shrilly.

"Keep your shirt on, little missy. He knows I'm kiddin'," Randy said condescendingly. Hermione glared at him and went into the kitchen to find Dobby.

Randy amused himself by flirting with the Patil twins. Dobby returned with Hermione and a yummy pork chop.

"About time, greenie," Randy rumbled as Dobby set down the plate and left. Hermione sat across from him and began her meal.

She glanced up at him from time to time as he made short work of his pork chop dinner.

Hermione pushed her plate away. She put her face in her hands and watched him eat.

"Enjoy your meal Randy?"

"Sure did, sugar."

"And you're feeling OK then?"

"Well sure, why not?"

"Because you've just eaten the Pork Chop of Egnever. Don't worry, you've a couple of days before it really takes effect. The curse usually runs its course by then. Don't blame Dobby, he grabbed the wrong one. You shouldn't scare him like that."

Randy looked puzzled.

"You ever see those movies where an alien bursts out of your tummy?" Hermione whispered.

"Yeah."

"Hold that thought," Hermione said in a husky voice as she walked away.

888

It didn't take Hermione long to find the common room used by all the transfer students that didn't fit into a particular house.

She came up on a lavender and sterling silver door.

"I can already smell the Unicorn droppings," she said as she rolled her eyes and tried the door. It was locked against all other students. Hermione undid all the usual lame spells on the door and kicked it open with one of her delicate little feet. She nearly slipped from all the glitter on the floor.

"The special sorting is in one hour," Hermione said impatiently.

Jenny paid no attention as she admired herself in one of the many mirrors of their common room.

"We need a little more light in here." Jenny zapped a candle with her wand. The candlestick floated away.

"That's lightening hex, not a lightning hex," Hermione corrected her, something that had never happened ever, before in her whole life. Jenny turned her back on Hermione and harrumphed her displeasure. A flash of light shot from Hermione's wand into Jenny's flawless posterior. She jumped for second, and then rushed back to the mirror to check for damage.

"Now that's a lightning hex," Hermione shouted, her face slowly going purple. "You know, the sparkly stuff that comes from clouds."

They all stared at her blankly. "What is it with you illiterate morons? Your magic is pathetic, you can't read or spell and you constantly confuse running your mouth with greatness. Why do you keep coming to this school and making fools of yourselves? We don't have an exchange student program and never have done."

"Never have done . . . what?" Jade Phanngerl's mouth hung open.

"It means you annoying fools shouldn't be here, get it?" Hermione yelled.

"I got your . . . get it," Jade retorted. Hermione was thrown across their Uncommon Room and landed in a heap in a heap of clothes and fan magazines. The mountain of fluffy rags and fluffy rags quivered as 'Mione rose up slowly. Her face was mahogany colored and twitching. She raised her hands above her head. Her hair made her look like Crookshanks when he's real mad.

"NeverHasBeenWasBeNot," she exhaled wickedly. Jade reverted to a Mall Rat.

"Ewwwwww," Jenny and Amber stepped away.

Luna drifted in, despite all the new charms on the door.

Jade frantically pulled on her best robes. "How could you do this? All the boys are so mean to me. I get plenty of first dates but never a second one. Now I'll get none."

"Maybe that's because there was nothing else to like about you," Luna said with her disconcerting honesty.

"Maybe Jenny or Amber could lend you a personality." Hermione jibed.

"Some boys actually like that after a few dates," Luna added serenely. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Hermione, you don't agree? Why did you roll your eyes?" Luna asked.

"I don't know, they just do that sometimes. I guess it's an appropriate response to almost anything," Hermione said.

"I noticed that. Is it like when you're always trying to straighten you hair, or get a date with Draco? Even though you like your bushy hair and don't like Draco," Luna said dreamily.

"Right, just like the other day when I woke up in Harry's bed wearing Draco's skin tight black Levis and my shirt was all ripped from being tortured. Harry and Draco have no idea how or why, not even after Madam Pomfrey gave them Veritaserum."

888

Jade Phanngerl slipped into the Room of Requirement. Alyssa Buxton from Hufflepuff told her she would find what she needed there after Jade had had another long and tearful episode in Snape's class.

She looked around inside the room. The place looked like a shoe store. Jade saw nice flying boots like the ones Madam Hooch liked to wear. In the corner she noticed another huge pair of shoes that must have belonged to Hagrid.

"There must be a pair inside here for me," she said aloud.

The enchanted footwear came to life. Suddenly Jade was assaulted from the rear. She pulled her wand but a pair of black dancing shoes punted it from her grasp. Jade felt innumerable kicks to her backside. The next thing she knew Jade was out in the hallway, wand stuck in her hair with a very sore posterior.

888

Randy Summers strutted into Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"I see more of you managed NEWTs than I had hoped. No matter, DADA will be very rigorous this year--"

"Yo, Snape-ster, what's DADA?" Randy said loudly in the quiet classroom.

"Defense Against Dumb-Asses," Draco sneered as he punched Randy hard in the stomach with one of his Quidditch sculpted arms.

"Egnever," Randy spluttered.

"Right in the old pork chop," Hermione said sadistically. She pulled a file from her fishnet stockings and did her nails.

"Watch yourself, Mr. Malfoy. I don't want you injured before the big match," Professor Snape warned him. "We've had reports of Muggles trying to infiltrate the wizarding world," Snape continued crisply. "Mr. Summers, Mr. Weasley. I want you to demonstrate to the class how to quickly identify a Muggle disguised as a wizard."

Randy pushed Ron out of the way and strode up to the front of the classroom. Ron followed in a huff. Randy stood there, hands on his hips soaking up all the adulation from his fellow students and teacher. Ron conjured up a Muggle golf club and struck Randy across the ankles.

"&$)&&$," Randy hollered at the top of his capacious lungs.

"Wizards curse with their wands, Muggles with their tongues," Ron said succinctly.

"Five points for Gryffindor," Snape said cheerily.

Hermione dropped her nail file and swallowed her gum.

During the dueling segment of the class the Weasley twins got stuck together by a stray Symeezing Charm.

"Sever us, Snape, we're stuck together!" They pleaded.

"Not that old chestnut. Summers, separate them," Snape commanded. The two boys jumped apart in fright. Randy rolled his eyes. "It's seperate, not separate," He said knowingly. Randy started off to find Harry and ask him why his Quidditch robes weren't ready and why he wasn't captain.

Goyle and Crabbe stepped in front of him. Malfoy sneered at him.

"You're an even bigger Mudblood than Granger, wise up and leave the school."

"Ya know what DADA really stands for Dralfoy?" Randy drawled.

Malfoy rolled his eyes. Randy punched him in the nose.

"Dralfoy Ain't Dissin' Anymore."

It's Malfoy," Draco gasped as he slid down the potions classroom wall. Goyle and Crabbe waded in with Randy swinging away. Randy was holding his own pretty good.

"Step back boys," Snape said in a low dangerous tone, his eyes glittering. "Looks like a case of magic gone wrong," he said waving his wand at Randy. Randy began to strike himself repeatedly but managed to stay on his feet.

"Is that he best you can do Summers? Are you some kind of wimp? Hermione Granger hits harder than that."

Draco flinched, and then he scowled at Snape.

"Oh very well then, Ginny Weasley," Snape gritted.

Randy collapsed from his own well placed uppercut.

"Is that all you've got you--" Goyle said.

"--great big Nancy," Crabbe finished.

Snape nearly dropped his wand.

"Leave that kind of behavior to the Weasley twins!" He shouted.

"Take him to Madam Pomfrey," Severus Snape grumbled and walked away.

Randy woke up in hospital. His stomach hurt a lot and he began to worry about the cursed pork chop. On the other hand he'd been punched a lot: it should hurt. Oh well, he was sure all the girls would come visit him.

888

The Golden Trio hadn't sneaked out of the castle for a week. They were bored. Not one of them had been in hospital for a month. They wracked their brains for an adventure. The Ministry of Magic sounded like a good idea.

They waited politely for Hermione to finish her objections and then the three of them went off to the Department of Mysteries.

Once again they needed something to do.

"I know, Harry!" Ron said loudly. "I'll get on my hands and knees behind Voldemort when he's in front of the Veil and you can push him through."

"Great idea Ron," Harry shot back.

They waited for hours and no one came.

"Well, this is embarrassing," Hermione said, "Voldemort didn't show up."

Ron was getting hungry, fortunately his Mum had packed him a lunch. He opened his lunch bag. Ron groaned. He tossed the bag into the Veil. Ron watched the sandwiches tumble that he threw through the Veil. "No more corned beef, Mum," he muttered sullenly.

Once back at school they had roast beef, like they always did.

888

Sirius Black stepped casually from the fireplace into the common room eating a corned beef sandwich.

Hermione squealed with joy and ran into his arms.

"Sirius, you've come back, how? Oh never mind, this is so wonderful. Wait 'til Harry and Ron find out." She hugged him and kissed his cheeks. He whipped his wand expertly and the Veil appeared.

"Theodore Nott and his house elf Plott worked out a special device to bring me back."

"Oooooh clever, tell me how it works," Hermione gushed.

Nott had a plot to forsake me not, no, he hadn't forgot, he had in fact sought; a Portkey device wrought by a house elf named Plott, so Nott's Plott Device came to naught, not!"

"Whoa, that's some serious Black," Randy said coolly, pointing at Sirius pistol style. Sirius punched him in the face. "Whoa that's some serious black," he answered, pointing at Randy's black eye pistol style.

"I've heard that a thousand times already," he said bitterly.

He wrapped his arms around Hermione as Randy staggered off to Madam Pomfrey's.

"Hermione, what's happened to you? You're all grown up."

He stepped back to look at her. Hermione's Goth makeup had dissolved in her tears, leaving her looking like a messy raccoon.

He eyed her up and down. "You look lovely," he said kindly, brushing away her silky brown hair from her face. He held her close, so happy to be back. Suddenly he raised his hands like they had been burned.

"Say, Hermione you have a really nice aaaaaaa--" Sirius said as he went through the veil. Hermione looked around looking very puzzled. Sirius appeared from the veil once more. Hermione shuddered for a second, her Goth makeup intact again.

"Where were we? Oh yes, 'say you have a really nice attitude about change. I'd never thought that you'd become a Goth chick.'"

She glared at him. It was a knowing glare all the same. She reached into her tank top and pulled out a small metal amulet.

She worked the time-turner and watched closely. It was Sirius's turn to shudder.

"So you jump through the Veil and go back in time a few minutes every time you put your foot in your mouth? Where can I get one for Ron?"

Suddenly Hermione stepped between Sirius and the Veil, holding her time-turner. "No, not again. It gets really confusing after this."

"I'm sorry Hermione, I didn't realize where my hands were. I feel awful."

"I understand completely, calm down." She looked at the black and white hand prints and shrugged. "I think there's a magnet back there . . . the only part of me that's Veela," she laughed.

"Cheer up Sirius, I'm of age and the spell makes you do that involuntarily, another unwanted side effect of a potion I never should have brewed."

Sirius picked up his corned beef sandwich and went looking for Ron and Harry.

888

Harry tried finding some horcruxes but Mundungus had beaten him to it. He had rounded up all the old stuff from Grimmauld Place and sold every bit of it in a funny little shop in Knockturn Alley called hpBay. They sold nothing but Harry Potter stuff to obsessed young wizards and witches. Owls were constantly flying in with bids and offers for almost anything Harry had ever been in contact with.

The problem was that Mundungus had melted down the Hufflepuff Cup and made a whole bunch of Slughorn Mint commemorative medals out of it. This left Voldemort's soul in about a hundred pieces. And they were in the hands of obsessive-compulsive collectors who were even more adamant about keeping them when they found out straight from Harry that they were a limited edition complete with Voldemort Soul-Action Horcrux. Harry explained that it was all a mistake but that made their value shoot even higher. Poor Harry with all his Galleons got outbid on hpBay trying to get them back.

Ron bullied several of them into giving back their medals. After all, he was now taller than his brother Charlie and every bit as muscular. They reacted by sending away for brooms.

Hermione scolded him for his harsh treatment and appealed directly to the hpBay-ers who were mostly teenage boys.

She stood there in a borrowed Hogwarts uniform.

Hermione didn't want to send the wrong message to a bunch of adolescent boys by wearing tight jeans and a tank top.

They watched longingly as the attractive Marilyn Monroe-esque young woman bursting out of a schoolgirl outfit appealed to their better natures to return the horcrux tainted medals.

She was on the verge of success until she told them she would return to hpBay as often as needed until they acquiesced.

888

Every one of the Weasley boys showed up in Quidditch robes on the Quidditch pitch. Except for Percy of course, he was fully occupied with getting killed every few days redeeming himself for his family in some battle or other. Sirius kept dragging him back through the Veil. Percy insisted he would keep coming back until he got himself finished off in a really glorious end.

"We're really sorry about all your troubles but it's traditional to try and prank the new Quidditch captain. Only the strong survive and all that," Lee Jordan said pleasantly.

"We've gotten you your own broom," Harry waved his arm and a broom rose up. Randy sat on the broom and it snapped clean in half. The next six snapped as well.

"Sorry mate, you're just too big to ride a broom," Ron said consolingly.

"Aw dang it, I'm just too big for my own good," Randy stomped off the Quidditch field.

"Filch won't be happy with all those broken brooms. How's he gonna clean the place?" The Weasley twins guffawed as they handed Lee Jordan his saw back.

888

Hagrid put it off for as long as he could but he finally had to do Jenny Foxworth's special sorting. McGonagall showed up looking just a bit weary. She plopped the stool down. Jenny sat haughtily on the stool as the sorting hat was placed on her head.

The sorting hat twisted and contorted briefly and then was still.

The silence was awful for Jenny. She shifted uncomfortably on the stool. Just as she decided to get up and run the hat broke into song:

To put you in the house of snake.

Would be a crime, you're such a flake.

I deny you entry to the gold and red.

Nor Ravenclaw, your empty head.

Hufflepuff is for the loyal and true.

Unsullied by the likes of you.

Seek the mall to shop and pout.

You're unfit. I cast thee out.

Jenny burst into tears, her hand went automatically for her cell phone. She flipped it open but all that the screen showed was various wizards from the chocolate frog cards flashing by. She cried so hard that her violet-silver contact lenses washed away. Her hip length pink-blonde hair got tangled up in the sorting stool and dropped off, exposing her dye ravaged real hair. She stamped her feet and tore off her peach silk robes. Jenny stood there in her Hot Topic baby tee and unflatteringly tight jeans screaming.

She slammed her phone shut and threw it aside.

"Here, use mine. It goes anywhere," Minerva McGonagall said sympathetically, handing her a cell phone. Jenny grabbed it ungraciously and promptly disappeared.

"Blimey, it really does go everywhere. Nice cell phone Portkey!" Hagrid grunted.

"And worth every Knut I paid for them at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes," McGonagall chimed as she put a dozen more into her desk drawer. Hagrid pulled a bottle out of his coat pocket and two glasses. He poured a generous amount into each glass.

Hagrid held up the bottle, squinting, "ya know, we've got to get Arthur Weasley ta stop wastin' his time on plugs and ekeltricity and find us some more of this Muggle brandy."

888

Draco finally made his move on Hermione. A thunderclap broke the quiet of the clear blue sky. Everyone looked up and figured it had something to do with those Weasley boys.

Hermione took Harry's invisibility cloak and dumped a little bucket of Draco's ashes into the lake that night. She pondered why he would try such a thing since neither of them had the slightest attraction for each other.

"Must be some kinky form of bullying," Hermione said to herself as she neatly folded up Harry's cloak and put it away.

Nobody seemed to miss Draco. Crabbe and Goyle started running with Blaise Zabini after a few weeks. He was richer and a lot tougher than Draco, so they got into better mischief. And not having that annoying floozy Pansy Parkinson hanging around was an unexpected bonus.

888

Randy sauntered over to where Hermione was studying.

"Hi there, little lady, do you need help with you schoolwork? I'm great at school stuff, straight A's--"

"That buffoon is boasting about Acceptables?" Ron grumbled.

Hermione scowled at him but he did not seem to notice.

"Say Randy," Ron said conversationally, tipping a vertical vile vial into his morning cola, "How big was that fish you caught again?"

Randy guzzled his coke and crushed the can. "It was this long," he said, spreading his arms wide. Suddenly his hands came together and he gasped, "it was only this big," dropped to his knees and expired on the spot.

Hermione's eyes went big. "Ron, what did you put in his drink?"

"Just a little Veritaserum, Hermione, I got tired of all the stories," he said in a trembling voice. Hermione grabbed the bottle, staring at it horrorstruck.

"Ron, he's from some exchange place where everyone talks big. You don't make them tell the truth when they're boasting about fishing, hunting, pickup trucks, sports, pets . . . or anything else, it kills them," she said in an exasperated voice. "They're very truthful otherwise," she added quickly. Ron took no comfort from this, staring at the big corpse.

"Oh, Ron. Just finish your pumpkin juice and let's get going."

Hermione looked at him expectantly, tapping her foot.

"What happened to all the nice Yanks that used to come to visit?" Ron said sadly.

"Even Dumbledore couldn't figure that one out. He said he was well treated every time he went to The States by Muggle and Wizard alike but said he was baffled by all the obnoxious exchange students that come here. Especially as we don't accept exchange students and never have done."

Hermione was still tapping her foot.

"What's with you, Miss Bossy-boots?" Ron groused.

"See how you like it, you clot," she said with a smirk worthy of the now departed Draco Malfoy. Hermione held up the empty Veritaserum vial.

"The vituperative vindictive vixen's vengefully vended vile Veritaserum venom verily into my very viands," Ron moaned.

Hermione's eyes bugged out. Ron had Veritaserum intoxication. She'd dumped the potion into his juice without looking and that was way too much.

He had a strange look on his face like he knew he was going to fall down and couldn't stop it from happening.

"I'm very fond of you, Hermione Granger, your brains, your lovely eyes, even your crazy hair."

"Is that all, Ron?" Hermione said in a coy little voice.

Ron looked like he was going to be sick.

"Run Hermione," he choked. She stepped back but did not go any farther.

"And they go on about Harry's hair, blimey . . . I don't mind that you're smarter than me. But you could really use some social skills. And I really think it's kind of cool that you've actually hung around with my hero Victor Krum. I would've asked you first but you get so mean sometimes. I'd like to go steady with you but you'd probably smother me with some 'this is forever' speech."

"You're afraid of commitment then, are you Ron?" Hermione snapped.

"Oh hell yes, not until I know what I'm really getting into. Have you seen commitment? It looks just like a Dementor and every bit as scary. It pulls the joy right out of you."

"Ron, how could you--"

"Emotional range of a teaspoon?" he slurred, putting his thumb and forefinger together. "That's about how much Veritaserum you gave me. You couldn't be honest with old teaspoon Ronnie. You had to stoop to this, you emotional train wreck . . . Goodness knows you looked good in that Yule Ball gown. Any chance of you brewing up more of that, you know. . . Bum in a Bottle?" he made hourglass motions with his hands. She stared at him in disbelief as he staggered off to Madam Pomfrey's.

"This is awful," Hermione cried.

"Why do you think he told you to run?" Padma quipped.

Hermione felt someone tugging on the back of her skirt.

"What did you expect? You're about as cuddly as a cactus. Better brew up plenty of 'Bum in a Bottle' and settle for what you can get," Pansy Parkinson smirked as she went off to class. Hermione stepped over Randy's body and ran crying to Myrtle's bathroom.

888

Hermione's proportions slowly came back to normal. She'd been teased an awful lot but she knew her classmates wouldn't have made such a fuss if they weren't a little jealous. She liked the added attention at first but she was happy to have her old body back. Besides, she liked being able to read a book in her lap without having to crane her neck. She didn't miss being called Firmheinie Strongbottom either. Still, it beat "Mione", she really hated that.

888

McGonagall had no answer for Jade Phanngerl.

"Very well, then." Jade said politely. "You can live with the consequences of your actions. Or inactions I should say."

The Headmistress watched her go without saying a word.

888

Hermione had changed again over the long winter. She was now wearing one of her frumpy plaid skirts just above the knee instead of just below. This made it easier to work the spade she used to bury the second rate wizards and schoolboys that tried to rape her on a regular basis. Practical as ever, she didn't want to waste any magic on their burial. When the school's back garden got too full and lumpy she simply let Hagrid feed them to the Thestrals.

Not that Harry and the Weasleys wouldn't help her, just that Hermione was an awfully good witch and her assailants were usually chewing dirt by the time they showed up.

She did occasionally wear a black, slightly Goth outfit if she felt the deceased deserved a few last words.

Some of the better bad wizards decided that Harry Potter, nine Weasleys, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnegan, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Minerva McGonagall and some dragon-hugging fellow ten feet tall that loved her like a daughter were pretty good reasons to leave her alone. The one wizard that did try to attack her and managed to escape to the Muggle world found out that her dentist parents did the teeth for high ranking members of the SAS, the Black Watch and some hush-hush outfits. They sent him back on the Hogwarts Express in a shoebox with his broken wand taped to the outside. Mad-Eye Moody's cousin hadn't made it to the rank of Brigadier in UNIT for nothing.

888

Harry managed to get the remaining commemorative horcrux medals back. Hermione and Ron saw a big heap of them in the middle of the Gryffindor table.

"This is great, Harry. How did you do it?" Hermione squealed.

"Erm, I sold them something that they wanted more," Harry said hesitantly. Hermione froze.

"Was it something of mine then, Harry?"

"Yes."

"Out with it, Harry!"

"Your black leather knickers," Harry said quickly.

"You sold my what?" Hermione said in a shrill voice. "No one person has all the medals. How?"

"For someone who's best in class you are a bit dim sometimes, Hermione. You know that, don't you?" Ron said. "Harry sold them all the opportunity to obtain your old things."

Hermione looked thoroughly confused.

"I raffled them off myself and made them all pay for the raffle tickets with horcrux medals. The greedy little goblins at hpBay wanted too much in fees anyway."

"That was clever of you, Harry. I should have thought of that. Besides, they don't fit anymore and hopefully never will again,"

Ron sighed heavily.

"We'd better be going. We need to find out how to get them destroyed. Come on." Hermione skipped happily off to the library.

888

Amber, Tiffany and Sapphire stopped Hermione and Harry in the corridor after dinner.

"We're glad you two finally got together," they said in unison.

"But we were just walking down the hall--"

"Don't play coy with me, Hermione Granger, I saw the way you passed him the Yorkshire Pudding," Amber said suggestively.

"It's York-sure, not York-shyer," Hermione corrected.

"I'm not blind," Harry snapped.

"What?" said Tiffany.

"I'm not blind. Hermione is pretty, smart, has a nice figure and she's an extraordinary witch, but so are my many thousands of twin and half sisters scattered among wizardkind. Yes I do love her, but like a sister, not the other way."

Sapphire looked at the two of them sadly.

"I've watched Harry grow from a kind hearted, cute little boy into a brave, pure hearted handsome young man and yes, he's like the brother I never had--"

"But what about your real par--" Sapphire interjected.

"Not one more word," Hermione said sharply, sticking the end of her wand up Sapphire's perfect nose.

"Hermione, don't!" Parvati Patil shouted.

"They're not worth it," Cho Chang added, coming up beside Parvati.

The three transfer students faced off against Cho, Hermione and Parvati. They tossed their perfect hair and pulled out their pink wands. The six exchanged glances. Harry felt the tension build. Minutes ticked by, nothing happened.

The three newcomers put away their wands and sighed.

They now knew that they lacked the intelligence tempered with warmth that they saw in Hermione's eyes. Nor did they have Cho's simple grace and femininity. Nor again the subtle charm and kindness of the seemingly superficial Parvati.

"It doesn't matter that we're perfect beauties with super powers. We're still just shallow plastic bimbos."

"You needed Legilimency to figure that out! You're all thick," Harry roared.

"You've taken your first step into a larger world," Cho said, smiling like a very wise old man.

"These are not the ships you are looking for. Move along, Move along," Parvati added, curling and uncurling her fingers slowly.

The three former uber-chicks drifted away down the corridor towards their special dormitory.

"You guys ever get the feeling that your just standing in for someone else, and that your life is not your own?" One of them asked the others.

"Yeah," answered one of the others, "I keep dreaming I'm this lonely teenage girl from Indiana with six cats and no friends."

"Me too!" said the third, "only mine is in California and has other problems."

"Mine is some Scouser that seems to be living in Fulham. They all need our help, but our powers are so limited outside of this world. I guess all we can do is go back and be there for them until they get through their troubles."

888

Hermione drifted ghost-like through the hall to the Gryffindor table. She sat down stiffly without saying a word and served herself generous portions. Hermione started eating things she didn't normally like and plenty of them. Harry and Ron watched in dismay as she consumed the oddest combinations of food they had ever seen. Even Dudley selected his food with more care. They noticed she had developed the odd habit of putting her hand to the side of her head occasionally as if she were surprised or perhaps recalled something long forgotten.

After her battle with several deserts Hermione cupped her tummy in her hands and sighed. A few days later she was seemingly more like herself but suddenly she devoured a huge dinner.

888

Harry had reached the limit of what he could take. Cho had looked so lovely in the corridor the other day. He still had a soft spot for her. In fact he loved her dearly.

He had Dobby swipe Hermione's time-turner and went ahead a few years. He and Cho could live comfortably and quietly in some cozy corner of Britain.

It didn't take long to find her. If Cho was pretty at seventeen she was a goddess at twenty. Harry was mesmerized by her charm and grace. She'd gotten beyond all that crying business and projected an aura of quiet, serene intelligence. After a bit Harry realized something and then something else yet again. He zoomed back to his own time, appearing in the courtyard. He threw down the time-turner, frantically stomping it into dust.

Harry asked Cho for a date and she accepted. They had quite a few good times despite the dire state of the wizarding world. Harry dated others. He even went out with Romilda Vane. Once.

Ginny sat down next to Harry in the common room.

"So Harry, what about us then?" Ginny asked slowly.

"I guess you heard about the time-turner."

"Cho told me the rest. Are going to keep seeing her?"

"No, you don't understand. When I got there I was over her."

"Imagine, that," Ginny sniggered.

"I probably shouldn't tell you this, but there I was, years from now looking at Cho. She never looked better and she was much more cheerful. But I'd cooled off on her and I still wanted you as much as ever."

"I'd say that was sweet, Harry but you know how much causality gets thrashed by time travel."

"Why don't we just go to Hogsmeade instead?"

"It's a deal."

888

Harry disappeared after the first swallow of pumpkin juice. Another damn Portkey, they were everywhere.

Harry landed on his backside in a dusty, rock strewn excavation. He heard feet crunching on gravel.

Robes flowing, Voldemort walked out of the sun with the wind at his back.

They fought each other to a standstill after just a few minutes. They stood there, barely arm's length apart, wands pointed at each other's hearts while the gravel quarry slowly rotated around them. The two of them looked disgusted all of a sudden. Voldemort Apparated away feeling as though he'd just participated in some cheap Muggle theatrics.

Poor old Voldemort dropped dead in the bathtub later that morning.

Some say all that cholesterol from Hogwarts food finally caught up with him.

No. All that immortality stuff did him in. After all, no one had really done it before except Flamel and he was smart enough to keep it simple. Voldemort figured if financiers, politicians, bureaucrats and people in the movie business could get by with little or no soul, he could too.

The little bits of ripped out soul had shriveled up and disappeared. When Voldy kicked it he really did; one spell too many that had reacted badly with the others.

Harry wasn't sure how to feel when he heard the news.

"What did you expect, Harry? There's no Immortality For Dummies for him to read. I've seen it all before. Sooner or later he was going to make a mistake. He just had to snuff it." Hermione said crassly while chewing on a bit of toast and marmalade.

888

Rumors flew 'round the school about Hermione's mealtime antics. The gossip cauldron soon bubbled over with stories of impending motherhood and wild speculation about possible fathers.

Ron had had enough. At breakfast he jumped on the Gryffindor table, kicking aside tureens and platters to get everyone's attention.

"Listen up, you gossipy fools! Hermione Granger is the love of my life and I won't have a bumbling band of babbling buffoons besmirch her reputation. See me in the Room of Requirement at eight tonight. I have an announcement to make. Later, losers." Ron grabbed a stray chipolata, took a ferocious bite and left the hall.

888

Filch ran to the Headmistress's office as fast as his old bones would allow.

"Professor McGonagall, look to the mountains!" he wheezed.

She looked out the window, staring in disbelief.

"This warrants further investigation, find the Golden Trio and bring them to me," she said curtly.

888

Ron put his hands behind his back and paced about the Room of Requirement.

"Hermione Granger is really very soft-hearted—"

"She fell for someone's sob story you mean." Pansy Parkinson quipped, eyes on Hermione's middle.

"She did indeed. Nearly Headless Nick--"

Pansy fell out of her chair laughing.

"Is that the best you can do? Are you that desperate?" Pansy squealed. "How is it even possible?" she gasped, clutching her sides. Hermione said nothing.

"Have you ever noticed Nick hanging around the Great Hall looking mournfully at our heaping dinner plates?" Ron paused for effect.

"She allowed Nick to possess her at mealtime so he could taste food. After five centuries of fasting he overdid it and upset Hermione's tummy. She went about in a daze with an aching middle while Nick tried to put her right. Afterwards, when she came 'round again she let him have one last proper feast . . . of food you idiots!" Ron scowled at the crowd. "If any among you thought otherwise you can deal with me." Ron looked around threateningly. Hermione got up and hugged Ron.

"You gits have thought the worst of Hermione when all she did was relieve the suffering of poor old Nick," Harry shouted at the group. Shamed, but not cured of their wagging tongues the crowd shuffled out of the room.

888

Filch went 'round the bend. He'd had it with the Golden Trio. Their adventures had tracked dirt through his nice tidy castle for the last time. "Come here my sweet," he cooed to Mrs. Norris. Filch picked her up lovingly and painted her paws with salve from a sinister looking jar.

The Trio wandered down to the dungeons to see Snape for a punishment. Instead of giving them detention for the millionth time Snape simply took their wands away. He called it getting Muggled.

They had just left Snape's dungeon when suddenly they were all cornered by Filch's cat Mrs. Norris.

"What'll we do? She's got poison on her claws and we've no wands," Hermione panicked and ran in circles. Harry clutched his forehead in pain and fell to his knees.

"Voldemort?" Ron asked.

"No, just a bad headache," Harry said, rubbing his temples.

Ron leaned casually against the dungeon wall like he was waiting for a bus. He threw his ankle length scarf jauntily over his shoulder and fished through his overcoat pockets. He pulled out a knife.

"Ron, No!" Hermione squealed.

Ron gave her a Cheshire cat smile and began peeling bits of Sellotape with his knife.

"What are you playing at?" Hermione shouted.

"What does that mean?" Ron looked puzzled.

"I don't know," said a baffled Hermione, "one of us is obligated to say it from time to time."

When he had enough tape sliced up Ron tossed the Sellotape bits on the floor. Mrs. Norris got tape on her paws and began to dance about frantically, getting still more tape stuck in her fur. Ron took Hermione's hand and led her and Harry around the mad dancing cat and back to the common room. Ron kissed Hermione full on the lips and dropped her onto a sofa.

"You don't need magic to solve all your problems," Ron whispered.

Hermione said nothing.

"You're welcome," he said as he strutted off for dinner.

"Don't forget Filch said we have to see McGonagall after supper," he added as he slipped out the portrait hole.

The three most famous students at the school had no explanation for what McGonagall had seen, much to Filch's chagrin. She dismissed them and hopped on her broom to go investigate.

She landed her broom, rubbing her eyes to see if it were some kind of trick of the light. No, it was still there. A castle, someone had built a castle above the lake. She examined the walls closely. They were smooth and smelled faintly of petrol. The windows were modern double glazing, Muggle built by the looks of them.

"Come on in Minerva. You're completely welcome here." Jade said cheerfully through a small round window near the entrance.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow and a wand at the same time.

"No need," Jade said as she pulled on a rope.

The doors opened into a cozy reception area. Jade offered the Headmistress a cup of Earl Grey tea.

"Welcome to Northerhaven Castle, Minerva."

"Professor or Headmistress to you, young lady, as long as you are one of my pupils," she said sternly.

"I am not one of your pupils. I am your competitor," Jade said politely.

"What is the meaning of this?" Minerva McGonagall demanded.

"I told you to play fair or face the consequences. But no, you had to back Snape and all his unfair practices--"

"Sometimes I allow those things to build character. The world isn't always fair."

"Oh, right. When it happens to a student it builds character. When it happens to you it's detention and a lip-thinning hissyfit," Jade answered smoothly. "I'm a spoiled Phanngerl, my daddy has money. We built this castle to put you out of business. The Northerhaven School of Magic is open for students. Moody, Tonks, and Lupin all teach here during the day. Kingsley Shacklebolt does an evening class. Something you don't even offer. We have the same basic uniform and the girls can wear pants or trousers as you'd call them, when it's winter which seems to be most of the school year. We also have a much better system of wards."

"We've a thousand year tradition at Hogwarts. Surely you don't think your daddy can purchase you that?"

"True," Jade put her hand on her chin. "Now what's the other word for tradition, you know, when it's taken too seriously. Oh yeah, stagnation. We have a smaller tuition and instead of a drafty old castle that wastes all kinds of energy we have this one that is made out of LYAFFIN, a renewable substance."

Jade rapped the wall. "Solid as brick but with all the gloom removed. We don't use slave labor either. The only elves here are on the payroll and very happy to teach what they know. Hermione Granger herself signed an endorsement to that effect. Very popular here she is these days."

"Then who takes care of the castle? Staff are very expensive."

"Every student has to do something around here. The ones who are short on tuition do a little more work but for the most part they're glad to be here. You'd be surprised how good the food is when you have to eat your own cooking."

McGonagall looked shocked. "LYAFFIN? That had better not be Dark Magic, the Ministry will hear about this."

"Last Year's Action Figures Formed Into Nodules, Minerva. Muggles call it plastic. I call it progress. Keep your damp castle and your brutally unfair teachers like Snape. Your creditability is about at zero with a lot of the students."

Jade Phanngerl handed her a small gray object.

"Hang onto this. It will allow you to Apparate here next time. Say hi to Sevvy and remind him skill and teaching ability are two different things. Goodbye."

The Golden Trio couldn't resist a visit to Northerhaven. Hermione, despite her natural bossiness was kind and sensitive to the newly freed elves that trickled in. Ron shared some of his mom's cooking secrets with the other students. Hunger worked on him like magic. Harry fell for Jade Phanngerl. He liked her T-shirt and jeans girl-next-door persona. Sure, she was brown haired, short and a little bit chunky but Harry loved that after countless giraffe-legged, violet-eyed platinum blondes.

Snape was brought to heel and told to get over it. School ended a long time ago for him and most of his antagonists were dead.

Jade worked out a deal with McGonagall to take all the "exchange students" off her hands in exchange for some of her staff to fill in at Northerhaven from time to time. Minerva did finally solve the exchange student mystery though.

888

Fred and George were on the verge on going to Saint Mungo's.

They had laughed so much and so hard at all the Hogwart's antics they had caused that they were starting to hurt all the time.

"We've got to stop sending in those forged Hogwarts letters."

Fred gasped.

"No . . . no, just one more." George wheezed.

"There's a fine line between Muggle Studies and Muggle baiting, boys," a stern voice upbraided them.

Minerva McGonagall stepped through the bolted door at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. At first they thought it was a bad apparition but her presence was unmistakable.

"I've allowed this to go on because it taught the students about Muggles, especially posers in wizard guise. There's been a fatality at the school. We've no more Randy Summers.

"That's OK," said George.

"We've had plenty," said Fred.

"No, you two nitwits, a boy named Randy Summers."

"Oh him, he'd have died even sooner in the Muggle world."

"His mouth wrote checks his wand couldn't cash."

"Be that as it may, no more forged Hogwarts letters and no more selling fake, charm filled wands to Muggles," McGonagall insisted. "I know you two care little for punishments so if you don't straighten up I'll cancel the contract you have with Hogwarts."

The twins looked at her in earnest.


End file.
